I seriously just spent an hour outside on my kids trampoline listening to 30 Seconds To Mars and contemplating my life. Asking myself why I’m so unhappy, why are you such a buzzkill, why do you ruin peoples lives..? I feel like no matter what I do I just can’t win and like I’m just this happy person who’s very sad if that makes sense. And on top of everything I feel like I’m losing my connection with my husband. Seems like everything is just a mess right now. Like what would Jared Leto do…? He seems so positive and everything, I need more people like that in my life. I just feel so empty, used up and like I have nothing left of myself. Maybe I need to go find myself…take a long trip to nowhere and stay gone for awhile. I need to run away with this man…..
I’m obsessed <3. So wish I could go back to July 1st when I was at their concert. I felt so free and I had so much fun. I wish I could feel like that all the time… no one understands and It’s hard to explain to anyone. Everyone thinks I’m being a drama queen and that I’m just crazy, which maybe I am, I just want to feel wanted and loved. I want to be someones number one. I want to feel important and like anyone would do anything for me. I’ve never had that at least I don’t think I have. I’ve been with the same man for half my fucking life so he’s all I know. He doesn’t hold me back but he… I don’t feel like he supports me. I feel like I’m not enough for him. This post is a hot mess but that is just how everything is coming out.
You need a reset button. That is all, goodbye.
Raising boys is not for the faint of heart or for the weak. Today it’s been yelling, fist fighting and more fighting. No one wants to listen unless I yell at them which just makes the situation worse *facepalm*. I am just at an absolute loss with them anymore and I feel awful but I can’t stand being around them some days. Being a Mom is hard. As always my husband (their dad) had more important things to do and I’m pissed bc it’s my Dads birthday today and he has my car bc his is a POS so I’m pretty much stuck here. I couldn’t even load the boys up and strike out. So here I sit listening to Dinosaur Train wishing that I was on a far away beach ALONE with a cold beer *sigh*.
We will drown soon bc of all this rain lol. I get it, it’s Florida it rains every afternoon and that’s been the norm of things since well….forever I guess but it really puts a damper on things and my poor dog hates the storms. Anyhow as I sit here and wait for my game to load then I shall put my thoughts on blast for the world to see :). Things have calmed down a bit since the last time I visited, Thomas has been on his meds for a good bit now and he’s adjusted well. The tantrums are still there and they are still awful most times but that aren’t as frequent which makes ME (mommy) very happy! While we were at the doctor last week for a meds check they had a few brochures that were displayed. I took 2. One that was about puberty in boys and another about HPV. I was reading through the puberty for boys one and I am not even ready to discuss any of this with either one of my boys! My Ian tuned 11 and he’s been curious about his parts to say the least. When he starts asking questions I’ll call in the big guns and by that I mean dad lol. Anyways…. on to another topic…we have a trip to Disney planned for August so hopefully we can all keep it together until then. Toy Story Land opened today at Hollywood Studios and I’m so excited to see it…stinks we have to wait until August.
My husband and I are actually getting some alone time. I guess it wouldn’t really be alone time since we’re going to a concert but it’s time away from the boys and both of us need to badly lol. We are going to see 30 Seconds To Mars and Walk The Moon. We both have to work the next day so we’ll be zombies together :). So thankful for the friends that we have to keep our boys. On another note I just finished watching The Vampire Diaries. There were 8 seasons and I finally finished it….crying like a baby lol. It was very sad/happy the way it all ended and very confusing. Everyone says that I should watch Game Of Thrones bc it’s so good. Anyone a fan of that show?
It’s not for the faint of heart that’s for damn sure! Being a parent in general is not for the faint of heart. My 10 yr old hit himself in the head with the shovel handle bc he’s out there hitting the tree with it, no matter that he has millions of other toys he could play with but like I said no one listens to Mom so I just let things play out and BAM…instant karma. My 6 yr old thinks everything is a lightsaber…. as we speak he’s outside right now with the water hose attachment swinging it around *eye roll*…its repeating EVERYTHING you say 1,000 times over bc no one listens and today has NOT been a good day. My house is a mess and like always my husband is gone on his stupid motorcycle. Dude I just want to go somewhere and NEVER come back….I’m hating life today. Forgive me for being so negative but I could scream at the top of my lungs and no one would give a shit today. I long for a HUGE bottle of wine or a few dozen beers.
I love my boys to the moon and back a million and one times but some days I find myself thinking WTF…. I can’t tell you how many times a day I say that! My youngest just got diagnosed with ADHD and he’s still adjusting to his meds, it’s been about a month. He’s on a non stimulant called Intuniv. It’s taken a little bit for him to adjust, he’s not been sleeping well and waking up a lot at night. Anyway…. I better get this circus rained in before my husband gets home. *sigh
I have literally not had a moments peace today. I can’t pee by myself, I can’t even step outside to make a phone call without them up my ass. I just want to be left alone and I know it’s hard with little ones but I’m telling you if I don’t get a moments peace my head is going to blow up. Any other time they’d be keeping themselves occupied. There are tons of things for them to do, they have tablets and movies and coloring books, even a fenced in backyard but NOOOOO they have to drive me batshit crazy, asking 2 thousand questions and drinking my drink even though they have their own! I am seriously ready for dinner and bed bc I think that’s the only way I’ll get the quiet I want. I’m so annoyed and it doesn’t make it any better bc hubby is out on a tugboat for work so he won’t be back until after they are in bed!! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I do feel rotten bc I told my 10 year old I didn’t like him. He can be the sweetest but he is such a bad influence on his baby brother. He does things he KNOWS he shouldn’t do and then brother does it. So they oth end up getting in trouble. My head is pounding right now and my throat hurts from yelling bc no one listens to me around here unless I yell. Its so stupid. I just want peace and quiet. No fighting, no yelling, no screaming, no tattle telling, no throwing things, no stomping or running. I love being a Mom it has its perks and there are some pretty amazing moments but today has been a bad day and I’ve been fighting with these boys all damn day it seems. And I really mean it when I say that they’re going to kill me. I’m going to end of having a stroke or something bc they want to act like fools all the time. My Mom always told me that God won’t give you more than you can handle but I don’t believe in God and even if I did he underestimated me immensely.
That is seriously what this Momma needs right now. I have really had it with my weekends lately, if I’m not stressed about the kids then it’s something else. Sometimes I wish I could just work all the time. I feel like I can’t relax!!! Right now today has been a horrible afternoon…the boys were being bad so I tried taking them outside but they want to throw things at the house and hit each other so I made them come in. My 5 year old is a hot mess and he is just all over the place. He has done nothing but get into trouble today. I feel like I’m getting onto him every 2 seconds for something! Most times I can keep him quiet with his tablet but he won’t even sit down for 5 minutes to play with that today. My oldest is keeping himself occupied for the moment, thank God. In the meantime my 5 year old is in the same room as I am jumping off the toy box with a light saber SMH. I have no patience left for today. I wish it was bedtime already and I wish my husband was home to help…. although he probably wouldn’t be. He’d be sitting on the couch watching fucking Netflix and yelling at the kids from the couch. So like my title reads I need a beach and a cold beer….hell I may get hammered once hubby does get home or I may just go drive off a bridge who knows! I seriously feel like I’m going to have a heart attack, I feel lightheaded and I really just want to pack up and run away. I know I can’t, my boys need me but it was a nice thought. Just me and a book, a beer and some sand between my toes…. UGH…. sounds like paradise. Instead I’m stuck at home with 2 crazy kids, no money and watching Sing for the millionth time. *sigh*
Don’t even et me started about tomorrow. We have to go over to my husbands Grandmas. Sometimes it isn’t so bad but the kind of mood I’ve been in lately I just don’t wanna go. She always asks questions and sometimes I just don’t want to talk. Hubbys mom will be over there so maybe it wont be so bad. Anyways…….hong kong phooey.
I guess you could say that I’m learning this the hard way. Especially when that person is your boss. My now ex boss and I had a mutual friend and I totally messed up when I trusted this mutual friend. I should have known that expressing my feelings to her was the wrong thing to do but I was really hurt and I really needed someone to talk to so I vomited everything on her about how things were different with me and Yanira (ex boss) and how I felt that I was getting treated like crap and no one else was. I cried to her and everything. Well like I said before I should have known better bc when Yanira did have a chance to talk she got mad bc I didn’t come to her. I DID!!!! She called me a drama queen and told me I was being paranoid but I knew better, she was different to me and I called her out on it and then she threw it in my face about how I went behind her back and talked to everyone about “our” problem. I never told anyone except Lolli and it’a sad that all the other girls I worked with saw me getting treated differently BUT Yanira never did. It was the dumbest thing ever and at that minute I knew that Lolli (mutual friend) had told her what I had said and knowing her she probably lied about half of it to make me sound like a bitch. Anyhow…. I’m trying my best to put it all behind me and move on but it is hard bc before Lolli entered the picture Yanira and I were inseparable. She pushed me out of the circle and became BFF’s with Lolli and I wasn’t included in anything anymore.
So anyways, I quit my job at Plantation and got a new job at another animal hospital. I am a lot happier here but it’s still in the back of my mind about them. I heard that after I left they were mocking me and how I complained about everything. I never complained as much as the 2 of them but I guess none of that matters anymore.